On Endings

The Ber months are starting.  There’s so much to be grateful for, so much to look back on the past few months.  Everything that happened after the summer ended was surely heartbreaking, exhilarating, terrifying but always towards the direction of self-discovery and growth.  I can’t regret what happened because I feel happier and stronger knowing that these are my friends.

This won’t last forever, of that I’m sure.  Since the Ber months began I have heard the ticking of a clock and seen the second hand drawing closer to a goodbye.  And life has always been a series of hellos and goodbyes.  Who can say when love begins?  Who can say when it ends.  Does it really end?

It’s a rainy afternoon and we just came from a team meeting.  I looked at each face and remembered the times we’ve spent together.  I’ve been with these people for so long, some more than the others.  I remain steadfast friends with a boy I’ve known since I was thirteen.  We’ve shared so much together and I’m proud of the man he’s trying to be and amazed at how far we’ve come together.  I always pray for us.  I remain friends with a girl I love so much, who has never failed to pick me up and make me laugh.  We’ve shared so much together and I’m proud of the woman she’s becoming and amazed with how good a person she has become.  I’ve seen these people every day for nearly 5 years now.  I am amazed by how much we’ve shared together and how much has changed since then.  The workplace you choose to enter truly affects the course of your life.  It shapes and molds you into the person you eventually become.   After family and school, it’s the people, work and experiences you have in the office that takes up the majority of your waking life.

All of this will come to an end.  Someone will leave or walk away.  Relationships and friendships end.  One minute he’s the closest person you have in the world the next, he’s just another item on your newsfeed.  You chat a bit, skype awhile but eventually, life happens and you wake up realizing it’s been years since that last talk and gut wrenching I-can’t-breathe-please-stop bout of laughter.

In my short life, I’ve learned that to love someone is to know when to let go.  Sometimes, it’s easier to hold on.  Often times, it’s harder to let go.  Especially when you feel the way you do.  But then you realize that you care enough to know what’s truly important to this person, enough to support him in his dreams and aspirations.  What can be more important than the realization of dreams?  What can be more important than discovering who you are and doing what you’re meant to do in this world?  I’ve loved enough to walk out that door when I realized I wasn’t what he needed anymore.  I’ve loved enough to know when he should go back to her and realize I’m doing more harm than good.  I’ve loved enough to know when to step back and give him the space to grow.

As I go about my own life, I find myself stopping in front of the proverbial window and looking out, thinking of the people who have loved me and I loved in return.  I wish them well.  I wish them a full and happy life.  Yes, I feel sad and lonely sometimes but I know that every decision I made in the past was made with love.   They are happy now, of that I’m sure.

Hey, you.  I miss you already.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


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