Let me start by saying that this post means nothing and for me, that’s everything. To declare this post as nothing is to give myself some comfort. I have knowingly raised my shield against the world. Most days I observe a loss in sense of words and sentences. I’ve lost the automatic tap to the a, s, d and f keys. Things I used to do so well, without a thought, have become a challenge to me. I am missing my rhythm, I am missing the flow. I have lost a garganutan amount of brain cells. I have diminished my ability to express myself as easily as I could before. This frightens me. This is what neglect does. Neglect a part of yourself and it will neglect you. It will die. It will erode and fall into nothingness, like this post. But rather than break down as I thought I would do (really, I thought I was going to cry in this post) I find myself growing with the urge to fight back (again, as usual). I must read more, I must write more. Having trouble with grammar and tenses? Read more, write more. Study. Don’t let this blackhole get in the way of doing what you love. Doing what you’ve forgotten to love.
Most days I found myelf staring into space, eyes unfocused and brain half off the center of the universe. Most days I feel like I’m living in a dream state, coming alive only when I see my friends. I talk with ears wide open, mind closed shut, heart adrift.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverb 4:23
2 days ago I heard news that will change your life. We change each other’s lives. That’s the main realization I’ve had this past week. 7 days ago there was nothing in motion. And then one singular action by another, an hour talking together and thinking about the future started the avalanche of change that has caused me a lot of happiness, pain and joy.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea if what I’m saying is right or true. I’m probably screwing up big time. But even as I say that, that annoying voice inside me insists that no matter how insignificant I feel, God created my being for a purpose. And for a person who just wants to break down, it sucks to see a sunset at the end of a crummy day and (despite my best efforts to declare my life purposeless) feel such hope and love for people and the world.