Confused

You’ll know naman when you’re loved and valued by a person.  You’ll know naman if he or she sees you.  You’ll know when you’re wanted.  These days I have felt na pinpipilit ko lang sarili ko sa taong– wow, napatagalog bigla.  Hahaha!  But that’s alright.  It’s alright to feel the things I’m feeling right now.  Pinasok ko naman to with eyes wide open.  I know naman that what we’re trying to achieve is hard.  And I appreciate the effort.  I appreciate the gargantuan effort to make things okay.  Mahirap.  Masakit.  Malabo.  Masaya.  Nakakawindang (tama ba spelling?).  Nakakasira ng bait minsan.  But here it is.  Here it is so far.  You just have to take a deep breath and live.  You have to take the sting, burns and cuts.  It will inevitably happen with people you’re close to.  I made myself open to this kind of hurt.  When you reveal your feelings you’re immediately out of control.  You don’t control anything, there’s nothing to hide.  Everything can and will be interpreted based on what you said.  But I chose to be that vulnerable to someone.  And here I am.  It’s a struggle.  It will always be a struggle, I guess.  So allow yourself to cry.  Allow yourself to wonder.  Allow yourself to feel the hurt when he says something that makes you well aware of your position, makes you well aware of where he has put you.

Every time, I suck in my breath and look away.  I don’t want him to see the things I’m sure he’ll notice if he looks long enough into my eyes.  Hindi sa nagdadamot sa nararamdaman.  It’s just a matter of not wanting him to see how I feel at the moment the feelings are at its most overwhelming.  I trip all over my sentences in an effort to explain myself, in an effort to heal the tiny little bruises, but that’s okay.  I’m human, I get hurt.

I carefully evaluated myself, wondering at my growing sadness.  But then, I think it’s natural to feel this way especially in my current situation.  The only way to avoid the hurt is to leave.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m smart or foolish.  But I don’t want to go.  But maybe what I want is different from what I need.  I don’t know, I’m confused.

 

 

 

 

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