Hello

Do you know how sad it can be?  I’m sure you do.  Dear reader, don’t despair beyond the length of time it takes to heal.  Go out with your friends.  Listen to your favorite happy song and if you have time, relish the feel of the wind on your face.  Remember how it is to have loved someone without fear or inhibitions.  Continue to trust that you will find that other person one day.  I’m sure he or she is waiting for you too.  Meanwhile, live a life that makes you productive, creative and happy.  I am living my life towards its fruition, no matter how I choose to live it.  My life will end one day.  In another time, it already has.

I know how lonely it can be, watching everyone live the lives you would want for yourself.  They seem to know what to do.  They’re getting it right, you’re getting it wrong.  Families are starting, careers are taking off.  He knows what he wants to do and she is rising like a rocket, determined, ambitious and living that cosmopolitan life.  You see pictures that speak volumes of what other people experience.   But catch yourself from feeling sorry for yourself.  Those are only pictures.  We all know how easy it is to fake a smile.

I can’t give you advice except to just keep going.  For some of us, there’s really no choice except to keep on living.  But I beg you, work hard to be happy.  It’s hard, it really is.  I wish every day that I could wake up with a purpose and goal in mind.  I’ve never stopped wanting to be responsible, hard-working and industrious.  I’m scared, like you are.  I oftentimes feel ill-equipped to live a full life.  We all have our reasons, all of them valid I’m sure.  But here we are, my friend.  These are the cards we have been dealt with.  I haven’t been doing very well for myself, in terms of what society expects from me.  I seem to want and value irresponsible, unnecessary things.  I feel sad about it, every day.  But this is who I am and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s okay and I should work with who I am, or if it’s destructive and I’m horrible, and I should morph into another version of myself.  Sometimes I think my entire being is wrong.

I don’t have the answers, friend.  I just want you to know that you’re not alone.  I read different blogs, thoughts and sentiments from different kinds of us, all over the world.  We look at Yahoo! and wish we could be “happy” like them.  Or at least, know what we’re supposed to do here.

Despite my deep sadness, despite the loneliness.  Despite the feelings of helplessness that paralyzes me at random times of the day, I still believe it is our responsibility to discover what we’re here for.  What makes me happy?  What can I do well?  What can I work with?  Who am I?  And don’t even get me started on the topic of “trying to love another person the best we can” even as we struggle with all these questions and anxieties about life.

I haven’t pictured my life beyond June of 2013.  I haven’t pictured my life beyond the events I’m sure of attending.  It breaks my heart to think of the life I’ll lead without seeing you once in awhile.  But we’re still here, aren’t we?  Googling the answers to our questions, reading books that could help us figure things out.  I cry every day, you know.  I’m sure you do too, in your own way.  But have you noticed?  Whenever life gets too difficult, a friend calls?  A warm hug envelops us.  The sun sets in just the right way and we’re stunned into stupefaction by the beauty and wonder of the world.  Or some version of that in your case?  Have you noticed the little pick-me-uppers in the every day?

The only thing I can offer is this:  If you can, try to see the tiny signs of love and encouragement the universe has left for you.  It’s there in that very pretty sunset.  That warm touch on your elbow.  The look in his eyes when you smile at him.  Warm soup served in the cafeteria.  A soothing memory of a time when you felt safe and loved.  A cool cup of Serenitea.

I love you, whoever you are.  I wish I could embrace you and whisper, “Everything will be okay.”  But I know things will never be really okay, for you or me.  But we can choose to hope.  We can choose to be happy.  We can choose to live with beauty.  We can choose to continue living our life (like a rockstar!) to its fruition, to live fully in this world for as long as we can.  We can choose to be a blessing to each other.  One thing we can be sure of, our time here will end one day.

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars…”

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2 thoughts on “Hello

  1. Dear Past Marj,

    I clicked on this post because it related to the entry we just posted, “Once Upon a Time Mirror.” When I read this, I felt that you were talking to me through the leaves of time. You found me Past Marj, just when I needed you most. Is it strange that you answered many of my questions? Is it strange that you know exactly what to say to me? Maybe that’s what you were talking about: how the universe sends little signs to cheer you up. You did that for me, tonight.

    So Future Marj, wherever you are. Know that you were able to cheer someone up, even if it is your self. But you know what? That’s actually the best part of being you: you know exactly what to say, even to yourself.

    Never lose that recklessly positive belief that life is beautiful and things will turn out wonderful in the end. Never lose that, no matter what.

    Love,
    Marj

  2. Dear Past Marj,

    Let me give you an update on your life. You get up every day with a purpose. You’ve deactivated Facebook. Your heart is broken by a childhood friend, and you’re not the same person you were before.

    But you know what? This is good. You’ve changed.

    I want you to know that you’ve found happiness in your every day. You’re not except from stress, weight gain, and pain— but you’ve still made decisions that make me proud: you’ve let go of someone you love who wants to be with you in a terrible way.

    You found the strength to walk away from his arms and into God’s waiting ones. You’re deepening your spiritual life. You’re excited to get up every morning. Tricky lang talaga ang afternoon: you get too sleepy. But you’re good. You’re heartbroken, but you’re good. I’m proud of you. Keep on going. Be of service to others and keep on praying. Like what the priest said during confession this afternoon. Maybe you’re his angel. Maybe. Maybe.

    God is very happy. He’s missed me very much, the priest said.

    I’ve missed all of this too.

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