Spend the time wondering what is real. What is true? Is what I feel real? Is it valid? Is it reliable? What does this all mean? I can get too cerebral at times, I know. But it’s only because I am desperate to put a lid on what I feel– and what I feel can literally run away with my life.
I ask questions because I hope someone will answer. I research because I hope someone out there can answer. Maybe someone other than myself or immediate circle can give me clarity. Maybe someone out there can help me understand what is going on.
Why am I so desperate to figure things out? Because I am affected. Because it is important. Because it means something to me. Because I want to know how to act. I want to know how I’m supposed to navigate these waters. How am I supposed to deal with my feelings, as opposed to my feelings doing away with me? I am asking because I want to do this right. I want to live a full life. I want to make sure that I’m making decisions out of love, not selfishness and fear. I recognize how people can self-deceive in an effort to not think of themselves as selfish and fearful– we all want to think we’re right. We all want to believe that we’re doing the right and loving thing. But how can I know?
They say we should go with what’s in our hearts. But what if what’s in my heart is biased to fulfill my own selfish needs? What if you’re not sure if you can trust your heart? What if my heart is corrupt? What if my feelings are distorted? If there’s one thing I’m certain of, I don’t want to grow into the kind of person who can successfully deceive herself that she’s doing the loving and right thing.
So what now? The internet doesn’t have answers. But maybe it’s because I haven’t structured my questions well enough. Maybe I’m not asking the right questions. Maybe people haven’t thought about this before because it hasn’t happened enough times for it to merit a research study. Maybe people dismiss what is happening to us with a foregone conclusion that it will fail. I’m not naive, I know how it looks.
But I also know how it feels.
Why am I trying so hard to explain what I can’t explain? Maybe it’s because of our nature to want to understand. And wanting to understand has merits. I want to be able to give reason for what is happening. I don’t need a reason to explain how we feel. But I refuse to give in to blind faith.
Yes, I want to understand. But not to the point of undermining the truth of how I feel. I seek to understand only that which I deem important and of value. Living and loving well is my top priority.