Half-Heart In

Dear Theater Crush,

Before I settle back to my pre-theater life, I want to write you a letter. For many months now, I’ve been feeling nothing but the desire to feel nothing. When you came into the picture however, the dam that was nothing broke open, and I was flooded by a whole lot of tingly, frantic somethings.

Tingly, something feelings I thought I wouldn’t be feeling for a very long time.

You did not erase the hurt that I’m feeling from this broken heart. You did not erase the memories of the one I love. You did not replace him in any way, and I have no illusions of loving you. But you made me feel things, and for someone who is hurting the way I did (still am), reacting the way I did with you was like having a bucket of ice cold water dumped over my head. It was jolting, shocking, unpleasant, and invigorating, all at the same time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wrote that slum book entry in the program about you, by the way. I now know that you noticed it, but I’m not sure if you got it. You kept pointing to the wrong person. My eyes would soften when they meet yours as I answer, “No, it’s not who you think it is.”

Describe your crush and name him: Quiet in his ways, until he distracts you with a stunning display of silliness. He’s restless, calculating, observant, and funny. I imagine he can’t sleep most nights, just thinking about what he wants to do or where he needs to go. Name him? Not bloody likely. But he’s in theater, and insanely talented.”

Ma-loko ka, I think. You’re still searching, but you know what you like. You’re sad, lonely, and steady. You’re a lot of things that interest me, mainly because when I look at you, and learn things about you, I feel close to who you are. Maybe it’s because of the similar background, and interests. Your personality is wildly different from mine– despite your quiet ways, you’re out there in the world, bumping heads with people, making splashes in your industry, laughing, making jokes, relishing in the fun-ness of life in every which way.

It’s a joy to watch you. It’s a joy to hear about you. It’s a joy to have been affected by you, and it’s obvious you do affect people. It’s also obvious that you know it.

And while I know that we’ve only seen each other a couple of times, I find that I’ve come to care about you, even though I don’t show it. What I feel doesn’t need to be expressed. I’m taking it easy on my heart this year, and you’re the kind of person who is easy to love.

So to my dear, theater crush. I wish nothing but the best for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Once again, good luck. 🙂

 

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