This Post Morphs

I was told that I should put myself out there. Flirt a bit, show blatant interest. I never was a ‘flirt a bit, show blatant interest’ kind of girl. But in the interest of self-improvement, I seriously considered acting out of character, and making moves that didn’t feel right.

Granted, it doesn’t do me favors to act as shy as I do, even though that’s genuinely how I am.

Granted, it doesn’t do me favors to blush like a silly school girl whenever he comes close to me.

Granted, it doesn’t make it easy for anyone, especially guys who could possibly be interested in me.

My good friend said I’m that girl with walls up, easily identifiable in a crowd. I am unapproachable to some people, I exude an air of, ‘Don’t talk to me, I don’t want to talk to you.’ The people who get that vibe from me, stay away. The people who don’t get vibe that from me, eventually become friends.

What I’m saying is, maybe it’s not too bad to be who I am (in a crowd). Maybe I have an automatic, evolutionary filter. Maybe my demeanor is like pheromones that trigger different feelings in different people. Maybe.

I know, I know. The demeanor I exude to strangers and acquaintances may need a lot of work. Make that, a lot of work. Okay, I’m going to trail off now.

The point is, I need to be confident, not flirtatious. Flirting is relative. Flirting is awkward if you’re not confident. Everything stems from confidence. And confidence comes when you know who you are, and you’re comfortable with who you are.

My life is frequently visited by doubts, fears, and insecurities, but it has largely been dominated by fears. I have been fearfully living my life, and it’s awful to realize that.

But it’s different onstage. One of my acquaintances told me that what moves audiences is the lack of inhibitions in a performer. If he is a monster, he is unapologetic about being monster. If she’s a hoar with a tortured soul, she is that hoar with a tortured soul and acts in kind. There is no shame in how they portray a character because she is that character.

Now that I think about it, playing a role is akin to losing oneself. I may be shy, and hesitant in real life, but when you give me a role to play, I make sure to do what I can to give justice to the character. No, it’s more than that– I make that character come alive. In theory, that is.

It’s not about me, my insecurities or fears. It’s about who this person is, how she feels and what she’s going through. You lose yourself in order to fully embrace what the other person (the role) is going through. I think that’s what they mean about being unselfish onstage. If you want to give a good performance, you have to absolutely forget about yourself and throw your being into another one. That’s tough, scary, and difficult. But when you do, the audience is able to connect with the character, and they are immersed in the story.

Characters are real. I don’t know how to expound on that statement but for me, characters are real. That’s why in my case, writing stories with characters sap my energy. I feel stressed, bothered, and emotional whenever I try to write. That’s why I stick to blog entries. Writing about other people makes them real, and their concerns, feelings, and troubles become my troubles. You care for them. I find that it’s easier for me to abandon ship and forget about them.

Writing is hard.

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