Father’s Day

Logging onto Facebook during Father’s Day was hard. While I’m happy to read all the loving messages of friends and acquaintances to their fathers, it’s hard not to feel sad that I didn’t have my own.

It’s not that I didn’t want to. It would have been my great honor and privilege to declare undying, unbridled love for dad in Facebook.

But that’s just not in the stars for me.

I have memories of my dad. I do, I do. They started when I was very young, but my feelings were more on longing, hurt, and loneliness. It physically and emotionally hurt to know that my dad left the house after he tucked me in. It hurt to not wake up to my daddy’s smiling face. I hated Christmas mornings because he wasn’t there. I grew up knowing he was lying to us. I grew up not caring or believing that he did. I was hearing a lot of negative things about my dad, but I didn’t care. He was my daddy and I looked forward to every moment we could spend together.

By the time high school rolled in, he would be coming once a week, rather than every night. I forgot when he stopped coming altogether. I’d see him in college, when I asked for tuition money. All I know is, my dad’s visits became more infrequent as I grew up, until I barely saw him anymore. Years would go by without me seeing him.

And then he got cancer.

I said I’d harden my heart.

Yeah right. I’m a daddy’s girl, through and through.

And then my heart got broken.

Years would go by.

I love reading the Happy Father’s day messages. God knows I prayed for my dad and mom to get back together every single night during my younger years. Eventually, it dawned on me that it wasn’t going to happen.

Sometimes, your daddy just isn’t a very good daddy, even though you love him so much. Sometimes, you can’t be a daddy’s girl, even when you know you’re supposed to be one, through and through.

There will always be that hole in my heart, in my life. I wish my daddy liked being my daddy. I wish he loved me the way the daddies in Facebook love their daughters.

I started this entry thinking I’d write something close to what those Facebook daddy’s girls posted. Now I realize, I just can’t. It hurts my heart to fabricate. I would only be mocking myself. And for some crazy reason, I feel that it would be disrespectful of my experience with dad.

Only this:

Dear Dad. I love you so much. Even though I haven’t seen you in over a year, I still love you. Even though we don’t have anything to talk about, I still love you, because you’re my dad. I wish you wanted to be with me, growing up. I wish you enjoyed being with me. Maybe you did, once upon a time.

I’ll never figure out why it’s okay for you to just not be there. I don’t think it’s right. But I guess you had your reasons for leaving. I guess.

I hope and pray, daddy, that you’ll never regret not knowing us. I pray with all my heart that you’re happy, and that you never feel bad or sad about not being with us. I want you to live out the rest of your days, wherever you are, in complete happiness and contentment. May you have no regrets about the life you lived. I hope that all your decisions led to a happy, and fulfilled life… a life that has made you know true love and success. May you sleep with a smile on your lips, and light in your heart. Know that no matter what, your daughter loves you, and will always love you, and will always miss you, all the days of her life.

Love, Marj.

 

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