More than anything, I want to conquer my fears and move towards the direction I want to go. I want to take a hold of myself and steer my thoughts, actions, and feelings towards what I desire the most. I want to have a clear head and the discipline to figure out what it is that I desire most. More than anything, I want to know what I want, and to pursue it with single-minded determination.
Maybe that’s why I gravitate towards repetitive, all-consuming romance novels that shamelessly (and crudely) articulate desire. I read somewhere that we crave what we lack. We instinctively know what will make us happy, but people who mean well tend to put these desires down as mere fancy, and we’re forced to find something sensible, secure, and stable.
I have no idea what I’m talking about. If I did, I’d be closer to where I want to be. But then again, I’ve neglected to appreciate what I have when it has its arms wrapped around me. I don’t want to miss out on my now, just because I’m frustrated by goals that I can’t seem to achieve. Does that make sense?
We do what we can. For now, I’ll enjoy each moment and take each day as it comes. There’s really no use bitching about what I can’t do, or refuse to do. I have to be motivated by something other than the reason of “I have to because it’s right.” That never worked for me before. It made me miserable. So maybe, even though I hate the feeling of not being like this disciplined person, or that responsible child, what I’m doing is just right. Nothing good ever comes from being forced to do things as an adult. I just want to take my sweet time figuring things out.