Now I Know

I sit here, and ache. This has been a difficult, difficult year. I thought that 2016 had run its course. Meron parin palang overlap. It’s ridiculous, the way things have turned out. However, I am glad.

I’m glad that I chose to be kind.

I’m glad that I’ve learned how to fight, albeit quietly.

I’m glad that I didn’t retaliate.

I’m glad that I’ve stood by the people I love, and done so with dignity.

I’m glad that the people who love me, loved me through everything.

I’m glad that the people who had different impressions of me, learned the truth.

I’m glad that no matter what the system says, the people who matter understand one simple truth: not everything that’s right, should be. Not everything that should be– okay, I’m parking this thought, mahirap pala pag English.

“Hindi lahat ng tama, dapat. Hindi lahat ng dapat, pwede.”

Thank you, M. Coloma. 🙂

Because of what has happened, I can honestly say that what people think of me, or how they perceive me doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. What they think of me is none of my business. I care about the work that needs to be done. I’ve learned to find the balance between what they think and feel, with how I think and feel, and figure out how we can still work together to get things done. This year taught me a lesson on grit, and working through the pain (both professional, and personal). I’ve accepted the truth of betrayal again and again, not because I want to but coz, well… life just kept throwing those situations my way. Talk about test of friendships and relationships, jeez! This has been one heck of a year!

I’ve accepted politics, to be part of my world. Betrayal has found its home in my memories, again and again. It hurts just the same each time, but at least it can’t take me by surprise anymore. I now know in a deeply personal way that injustice exists, even in a place you’ve loved so well. On a personal note: I’ve been betrayed by the people I’ve loved and trusted most in the world, but I’m glad to realize that until now, I am willing to open my heart to new friends and lovers. Despite being burned so badly, I still love passionately. I still believe in the old ideals: honor, friendship, and loyalty.

Yes, friends you loved and trusted will think the worst of you.

Yes, friends you loved and trusted will use you. Deliberately.

No, I will not harden my heart.

I am determined to use the hurt to grow in compassion and love. They too, taught me something. They too, allowed me to grow.

I choose to grow wiser, and more loving. My eyes are open to these realities now, and I may be suspicious of the people who hurt me before, but I’ll never close my doors to those who knock on it.

The same way they were wrong about me, I know that I might have been wrong about them. How can I be so certain of the nature and motivations of others, when many have been wrong about mine? 

As the apologies come in, I find myself quick to set their minds at ease. Maybe it’s stupid, but that’s how my nature rolls, I guess. It’s painful enough to realize how wrong you are about a person; it takes courage to reach out and admit that. Respect, ya know? I respect that and honor the gesture. My best friends would want me to have them squirm muna of course but again, masyadong soft talaga ang heart ko sa ganyan, I don’t know why.

I’m not angry, I’m sad.

I’m sad that things turned out the way it did.

I’m sad that people have been hurt so much in the past, that it affected the way they perceive people and situations. I’m sad that I live and work in a system that protects the self-righteous, and punishes the victims. It’s just so sad.

Whatever happens, I’m thankful for the people who’s hearts have been true. There’s no price on people who believe in you no matter what. These people, are the best people, and I’m proud to know so many of them, who know me – the good and the bad, and knows me as myself.

I owe it to them to know myself more.

I owe it to myself to know myself more.

I owe it to others to master myself.

Damn. This is gonna hurt.

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